Big Firsts

I have found myself feeling like a giant smelly bottle of Santorum. I have in this moment become one of them. Those people who get into fights and then feel the need to talk about it. (I guess for everyone thats not in my family thats normal.) So instead of talking about it, I'm blogging about it.

The New Guy and I got into what can only be described as an altercation, or maybe a misunderstanding. Anyway, I will digress: I was planning on having a special night. I was going to go to Miyagi and get some some food, rent a movie from the evil that is blockbuster, and head uptown to hang out with him, and thussly make-out like teenagers.

We were texting back and forth as I rode the train into Hatters and waited for him to tell me he was home. Somewhere between the Manhattan Bridge and Union Sq. he hit a bump. "I'm kinda in weird mood tonight", he messaged.

Now upon hearing this I knew immediately that my plans had been squashed. I'm not one to get cry over spilled milk, never have been, but missed beef negemaki is a whole other thing completely.

We discussed it at length, the actual problem being what I had suspected: I'm 19 he's what some would consider too old to be dating a 19 year old. There were no resolutions to this problem tonight besides that I was going to go back to Brookers and he was going to bed. He's been working all week on a new ad campaign for a company that's basically been a stick in rear (not so comfy.).

I'm not bothered by the fact that we didn't hang out tonight, though I was looking forward to it, what I am disappointed in is myself. I've always kind of prided myself on the fact that I didnt exactly act my age or like some stereotypical teenger. What I mean is that I'm rational enough to be one to slam doors, or play mind games, I dont say things I'll regret because the idea of saying something cruel enough to regret scares me shitless. But I did it, I said something unbelievably mean, or at the time it seemed that way.

There's a huge difference between this man and Bob. In alot of ways I thank and blame Bob for the way I'm acting. When I met him (bob) I was looking for someone interesting to introduce me to New York. Someone to show me around, take me to places I would never go with people my own age, and most importantly someone to care about me while I'm making my way here all alone.

It was in that scenario inevitable that I would develope feelings for Bob. How could he have not seen it coming. Then one day it happened: the big deal, the thing that made me certain that Bob would never ever love me. I had written about on here, but I dont think I may have said it in passing.

Bob had invited me to a screening of the film Infamous and we had met at his place a few hours before hand and of course had sex. Well we went to the movie, and walk from 66th to his place in midtown. We talked about Capote, Fitzgerald, Parker, Hemingway, yadda yadda. Anyway, it was unclear from the tone of conversation or body language whether I was coming back up to spend the night. We stopped outside of his door, and as he was pulling out his keys a neighbor walked up and unlocked the door.

Bob turned to me and STUCK OUT HIS HAND saying "Good night, kid" like fucking Humphery Bogart. He disapeared into the building and left me standing there thinking "what a fucking pussy". Now I understand that he's and important person that is noticed by a few people in town, but come on, seriously. He could have at least hugged me or something. Friends I havent slept with hug me.

What does this have to do with new guy? Everything. 1.) New guy and Bob live on the same block. 2.) New guy and Bob are both older than me. 3.) New guy and Bob are both amazing kissers. (I may be getting off track here).

But when new guy kisses me he's doing it because he wants to be near me, he wants to kiss me. When Bob kissed me he may have wanted to kiss me as well, but everytime we interacted there was a predispostion of sex. And though I've spent the night at New Guys apartment a few times we havent had sex, we're too busy talking till all hours of the night about our lives, and out likes and dislikes.

In short I feel awful for being an asshole and acting my age when I had no intention to. Other lessons learned : 1.) Bob = asshole 2.) New guy = great catch 3.) guilty feelings= impossibly long blog posts.