A recent phone coversation with my best friend to breathe oxygen startled me and has been on my mind ever since.
I was talking with my friend Ms. B and she said something along the lines of: since you moved to NYC you've acted noticeably gayer. She said that she was glad that I felt more comfortable in my own skin, but I got the feeling that my acting made she and her housemates (who also noticed the shift) more uncomfortable. I wasnt at all sure how to respond to this. Do I act gayer? and what does that mean? The stereotypical gay, the madonna loving meth head with a waxed chest and pink t-shirt. That, any of my friends will tell you, I am not. I love my chest hair, I dont like madonna, and I got that pink shirt for free. I'll admit, when I'm in a room full of gay men, listening to Rufus Wainwright and talking about Pop culture I can certainly flip my wrist like the best of them. But thats usually about 3 glasses of wine into the conversation.
I think the thing that bothers alot of people that I know from MI is that I quickly grew very confident about my sexuality. That is one of the MANY reasons I moved to New York. I hated that I could be gay as a gazelle in private company but as soon as I went somewhere fairly public instant paranoia set in. I'm so far past that now, remembering how afraid I was makes me almost ashamed. But when I go back to MI there are no gay friends to joke about 8th avenue with. Its all my straight friends (whom I love to the ends of the earth) from High school.
It's difficult letting my hair down with them still. I love them and I know they accept me for who I am and hopefully always will, considering they've seen the very worst and the very best of me. I do worry though at times, that maybe my sexuality will push them away. And whose fault would that be in the end? In NYC everyone I know would say them, for not accepting the person I've become. In MI however I dont think that it works that way.
I was talking with my friend Ms. B and she said something along the lines of: since you moved to NYC you've acted noticeably gayer. She said that she was glad that I felt more comfortable in my own skin, but I got the feeling that my acting made she and her housemates (who also noticed the shift) more uncomfortable. I wasnt at all sure how to respond to this. Do I act gayer? and what does that mean? The stereotypical gay, the madonna loving meth head with a waxed chest and pink t-shirt. That, any of my friends will tell you, I am not. I love my chest hair, I dont like madonna, and I got that pink shirt for free. I'll admit, when I'm in a room full of gay men, listening to Rufus Wainwright and talking about Pop culture I can certainly flip my wrist like the best of them. But thats usually about 3 glasses of wine into the conversation.
I think the thing that bothers alot of people that I know from MI is that I quickly grew very confident about my sexuality. That is one of the MANY reasons I moved to New York. I hated that I could be gay as a gazelle in private company but as soon as I went somewhere fairly public instant paranoia set in. I'm so far past that now, remembering how afraid I was makes me almost ashamed. But when I go back to MI there are no gay friends to joke about 8th avenue with. Its all my straight friends (whom I love to the ends of the earth) from High school.
It's difficult letting my hair down with them still. I love them and I know they accept me for who I am and hopefully always will, considering they've seen the very worst and the very best of me. I do worry though at times, that maybe my sexuality will push them away. And whose fault would that be in the end? In NYC everyone I know would say them, for not accepting the person I've become. In MI however I dont think that it works that way.
4 comments:
FreePrograms
You see... I agree that you are more comfortable with the way you act about your sexuality now, but if it makes people uncomfortable it is simply because it is differnet from the Jesse we used to know... just give people time and your frineds will come around.
I am so sick of people suggesting that we give people “time” to adjust!
You are a wonderful human and the fact that you are gay does not subtract from that fact. It actually enhances it.
Don’t give into this whole “uncomfortable” crap! You are you!
I know how you feel - I went to college in North Carolina, but when I would be in the city with my boyfriend we could walk around holding hands and not feel scared that someone would attack us or yell slurs at us. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable with who you are, its just going to take some time for the rest of the country to catch up with NYC.
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