So the thing about this James guy

So I felt it necessary to clear up some James stuff, seeing as my other post might be a little confusing.

James was the first person I ever came out to. And the first person to say "I know what you mean". He was a typical bad boy: drinking, smoking, a short attempt at cocain. During this I was or felt like I was his guide post.

When I went through my hard times: deep depression, anger, my parents relentless illnesses. He was my guide post as well.

So of course I fell completely in love with him. I loved close contact with him. Knowing his eyes were on me when I wasnt looking, not sexually, just on me. We would be in a group of people and he would throw me this smile, this brief sort of "you know me best" smile. Like we had a secret.

We used to go to a coffee shop 20 miles away every Thursday. We would drink coffee, smoke Camels(I quit), wear our hearts on our sleeves. And he always seemed to hint that he felt something along the lines of what I felt for him.

Then.

We were in his basement, smoking, talking about our lives. I may have said something along the lines of: "I cant wait until highschool is over so we can finally be together". He looked at me, completely serious "Jesse, I have to tell you something...and I feel like complete shit doing this to you". I just sat there, I knew what he was going to say, but I half expected this conversation to transpire.

"I'm not....I dont feel the same way about you as you feel about me. We're very different in alot of ways."

Silence.

"I'm not gay. I said it because I didnt want you to feel so alone, I know that highschool is tuff on kids and I didnt want you to end up like all those kids that commit suicide."

"You lied to me, to help me...stay alive?" I asked.

"I feel like shit. You know I feel like shit about this. You're really important to me, you are, but I just cant be that," he pleaded.

I stood up,"I'm gunna go. I need to do some think-."

"No dont go, sit talk to me. What do you feel? Tell me." He begged me to stay but I just couldnt do it.

"Betrayed." I said shortly, "and a little foolish." I walked to the stairs, took them two at a time. He caught me at the top, right in front of the door. He kissed me, shaking, weak, embaressed. Thats how I knew he was lying to himself not me.

I stared at him slightly bewildered, slighty angry, even more in love with him. I pushed the door open, I left the house in a few quick, long steps and dug in my sweat shirt pocket for my car keys. I found them, fumbling with the lock; completely coming apart inside. I heard him burst out of the door. He ran up to me, leaned me against the car, I could barely stand, I felt me heart physically drop from my body. But I hadnt started crying yet.

"Please dont go," he said "I want be this for you, but I'm scared. You put all this pressure on me."
"Let go of me James."
"No."

I pushed him off me, my door was unlocked. All I knew was that I couldnt cry in front of him.

When I pushed him off me, he got angry, pushed me back against the side of my car, my keys falling to the ground.

I looked at him shocked, my shoulders hurt, our eyes connected.

"I'm trying to reason with you damnit!" He yelled.

I swung, closing my eyes. I hoped to connect with anything, anything that would get MY point accross. I hit something hard, boney flesh, it felt maliable under my knuckles. I didnt hear him hit the ground, but he did.

I looked down at him, still angry and consumed with regret, and love, angry love.

I had hit him near the ear, just under it, where the jaw-line starts to form. I had also grazed his nose, which was now bleeding. He looked at me shocked.

"Oh shit," I said.

"I dont know what to do now," he said "Have you ever hit anyone before."

"No"

He made a "hmph" noise as I helped him to his feet. He looked at his house, the color from the t.v. shining the back wall of his living room. His parents were watching C.S.I. completely unaware.

"What are you going to tell your parents," I asked, blood still trickling out of his nose.

"Nothing," he said looking into my eyes "they probably wont even know I went outside.

"James I-,"

"You go home, we'll talk about this some other time, if we ever talk about it at all." He said, our eyes still connected he was sending me rays, he was completely vulnerable and it made me love him even more.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"So am I," he said. "Physical bruises, emtional ones." he said putting his hand on my chest. I felt my heart jump back into my body.

I brushed him off, he picked up my keys. He waited until I backed out of the driveway to turn around. While he waited I saw him pull out another Camel, light it, take a long drag. I smiled to myself.